A Lover in the Real World

                When we are young, most of us have it easy. We have a roof over our heads, food in the refrigerator, and a nice group of friends…oh how I would love for life to stay that sweet and easy. During that time in life, it is easy to be filled with great joy, knowing that everything you need and more is already provided for you…but life isn’t going to stay that way.

Imagine you are a middle-aged father/mother with a teenage daughter who happens to be out with a new boyfriend…your daughter has a strict curfew of 11:00pm and if she is going to be out later, she will text you…the clock strikes 11:40pm with no text or call from your daughter. It’s not that you don’t want your daughter out having fun with her friends, it’s just that you love her so much that you can’t help but worry when she’s out passed curfew without notice…you worry so much that you can’t sleep. Your daughter is running around town with her new boyfriend doing God-knows-what…your mind is too overcome with concern for your daughter to care about anything else. This is going to happen to you as a parent.  What happened to that easy life? See the key is to find a way to remain joy-filled and also become a man/woman totally in love.

                Blessed John Paul II (JPII) is famous for being a man completely and totally in love, but people often forget about his early life. JPII lost his mother and brother at a very early age; he lived alone with his dad. According to JPII he was an amazing father, humble, holy, and everything a boy could ask for. They were closer than most of us can even imagine. But one day, when JPII returned from work, he found his father dead in bed. And at that moment, Blessed John Paul II writes in his memoirs, “I have never felt so abandoned.” He was alone. He had no one. The only thing he had at that point was his love for God. Instead of turning his back on God, he used this suffering to grow in love, and to take note of the suffering around him. It is that love and concern for his suffering brothers and sisters that gave him the courage to enter the “underground” seminary and become a priest. The world also witnessed first-hand the suffering that JPII endured later in life…but, contrary to, what most men and women would have done, he showed us that suffering could be endured with love. The world, needless to say, was astounded by the depth of JPII’s love and dedication to not only his fellow man, but to God.

                Mother Teresa is a wonderful example of a woman completely and totally in love. Mother Teresa is well known to have gone out into the streets of Calcutta, India and cared for those who were ill or dying. But when Mother Teresa picked up her first dying person and brought him back to the House, her sisters asked her “Why did you do that, if you knew there was nothing that could have been done to save that man’s life? Why didn’t you just leave him be?” Mother responded, “I wanted that man to know he was loved. I wanted him to experience love from another person once more before he died…I wanted him to die knowing he was loved.”

                Mother Teresa is charged with echoing many beautiful and challenging words. Among those words are, “I am affected by the suffering of the world.” I wish to draw your attention to the word “affected”. To be affected is to be moved by someone or something. “I am affected by the suffering of the world.” Mother Teresa was moved to love and serve those who were suffering around her. John Paul II was also known to be affected by the suffering of this world and often (in his early pontificate) would go out of his way to show those who are suffering, that they are loved, just like we see today with Pope Francis (JPII still showed love toward the suffering later in his pontificate, but we saw this through more protection, because of the assassination attempt and growing tension). Are you allowing yourself to be affected by the world around you? Are you allowing yourself to be moved to love the least among you?

                But how do I come to a better understanding of human love?

                As a man discerning a call to the Priesthood, I have to remind myself that I must fall in love with human love. I must learn to love others and allow others to love me, in a way that does not infringe on my vocation. Let me tell you brothers and sisters, trying to cope with the reality that I will never have a wife and kids of my own, is probably the hardest challenge I have ever faced. And it’s okay that it’s hard; it’s okay that I carry this cross; it’s okay that whenever I see a young couple, my heart breaks a little bit. You know why it’s okay? It’s okay because of you. It’s because of you that I am willing to give up that part of my earthly life, because I love you so much that I want to be able to give myself completely to you through my ministry.

But then how do I experience love, thus filling myself with love? I’ll give you a hint: it cannot be done in the mind. Love is not from the mind, it is from the heart. The moment you start to intellectualize love…you should realize that you are missing the point. I can read books all day about how to love and live as a chaste celibate man…but if I do not act on that love, there is no way for me to experience it. This love should flow from the heart. St. Paul says:

If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal. And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.

I can do nothing in this life without love, because without love there is no substance to my actions. Therefore, I can proceed to claim that if I were to take that vow of celibacy, never infringe on that promise, but hate every second of it…it means nothing. However, if I promise to be celibate, never infringe on that promise, and make it out of my love for YOU…it means something. In the same way, if you go about your day, serving people, but hate those you serve…your good deeds mean nothing. However, if you go about your day, serving people and loving them…it means more than words can articulate.

                I find it interesting that Jesus told his disciples to do many things, but they were only known for one thing: ”Look at the love they have for one another.” The disciples didn’t care about showing off the awesome powers they received from the Holy Spirit, they cared about bringing people to the realization that they are loved. True, they told the story of Jesus…but isn’t the Jesus Story the story of the Father’s love for His children? Even as the disciples were led to their deaths…they loved and blessed their persecutors. And it is key to point out that the disciples didn’t love because they had to, they loved because they cared.

                Now, if loving is all great and good, why is it terrifying? The answer is simple, because love comes from the heart. The mind/intellect and the will, keeps us drawn into ourselves, reflecting on the nature of things around us, and acting to fulfill our own personal needs and wants. However, the heart, by its nature, draws us out of ourselves and into a relationship with another person…if that’s not scary, I don’t know what is.

                This is clearly exemplified in the love a man and woman share in the sacrament of marriage. The man seeks to fulfill his wife to the best of his ability, and the wife seeks to fulfill her husband to the best of her ability. In marriage, you cannot act for yourself, you must always have your spouse in mind. This will lead a man and woman to sacrifice of themselves out of love for the other. To love is to deny one’s self for the good of another.

                Perhaps you can now see where celibacy comes into the equation. To love as a celibate is to serve as a reminder that divine love also plays a role in earthly love. Earthly love comes to fruition with the marital act, whereas celibate love comes to fruition after death. Sounds promising, doesn’t it?! A celibate person shows people, by his/her sacrifice , that there is a love that is really beyond words  (I know this is a fact, simply because I can come up with no way to explain this love to you).

                In my mind, the next question arises, how do we deal with loneliness? Yes, the second biggest “L” word…Loneliness. It sucks, but you have to realize that you will feel alone at some point in your life, even if you are married. And you better darn well understand that you will feel lonely as a celibate. However, there is an important term I must introduce before answering the question of “loneliness”.  Solitude. Solitude is good, it is not a bad thing. In fact, it is what keeps us sane. As a celibate man or woman who has given his/her life up in order to serve others completely, you need to have some “alone time”. You need time to decompress, because (speaking from the priest’s point of view) the priesthood gets very hectic. Unless you want to blowup at your parishioners because none of them showed up to your presentation on “Christ: Sovereign King and Brother”, you need time to remember who you are and why you entered into the commitment of celibacy. In order to do that, of course, what do you do? YOU PRAY! Your vocation came from God, pray to Him for the grace and strength needed to persevere, and look to the saints for human inspiration.

                Good, solitude is covered…now, it’s time to address the big “killer”: loneliness. How do we cope with the fact that we will feel lonely? I could say “pray”, but then everyone will roll their eyes at me, because who really wants to pray when they feel alone?! But seriously, pray and go be with friends. It is important, as a celibate man or woman to have a group of friends; I would even go as far to say, be with a friend who has a family of their own. By being celibate, you are a part of their family. Play with their kids, talk to the adults about life, be present to them, and allow them to be present to you. I think that last point is one in which the laity is gravely lacking. As families have become more and more secularized, they have stopped inviting priests over for dinner, or just to spend some time together. The priest today, for most people, seems to be the man we see on Sunday, and that’s it. We forget that our parish priest is part of our family too. My family is guilty of this as well. In my lifetime, we have had a priest in our house, at most, three times. And according to my last pastor, that seems to be the trend nowadays (at least in urban parishes). How sad is that?!

                Let me break that last paragraph down for you, because of my rant on the secularization of families. In order to cope with loneliness, you must pray and allow others (particularly your spiritual family) to be present to you. But most importantly (not mentioned in the above paragraph), meditate on the fact that we ARE loved. Think about that. You are loved. Let me say that again, YOU are loved. Allow that love to flow through you and into everyone you meet throughout the course of your day.

                In closing I would like to propose three questions, do you know that you are loved? Do you allow yourself to be filled with that love? Do you serve others out of that love? Because if you answer "no" to one of these questions, stop and reevaluate what you are doing with your life.

The Essential Nature of the Non-essential

In these days of the governmental shutdown we hear of certain jobs being labeled as “non-essential” and “essential”. Though it does not necessarily mean that certain jobs are un-important…it certainly gives off that connotation. But, we must remind ourselves that that is simply not true.

Our vocation is the work by which we glorify God. Of course we think (and rightly so) that Marriage, Religious life, or the Priesthood are the main vocations…but that’s just the base, the foundation of our vocation. That establishes in us a deep understanding of who we are as children of God. What we do as a priest, father, husband, mother, wife, sister, or brother is just as much a part of your vocation, because it is the work by which your interior vocation…your deepest identity…is made physically manifest. That work…that physical manifestation, is essential.

No matter what your work is, it is essential, because you glorify God by contributing to the common good of society. Even if a government body has deemed your job “non-essential”…you are essential…your work is essential, without your work there would be a piece of our society that is missing. Anyone that tells you otherwise is foolish.

Being Word-less in a World of Words

Sometimes life can be so overwhelming that mere words can’t express what’s going on in our hearts, in our minds, or around us…but perhaps that’s a good thing. There are other ways to express ourselves and to vent our frustration.

At some point in your life, you are going to feel disappointed and hurt…no matter who you are…it’s a vulnerability we all open ourselves up to, just by being human. We place our trust in someone, and they let us down…or perhaps, we don’t believe in trusting people, and end up letting ourselves down. Either way, it hurts. And it is okay to be hurt.

Yes, you read that last sentence correctly…it’s okay to be hurt. But it is not okay to hurt someone else, just because you are hurt. So learning to express yourself in a way that does not hurt others, is vitally important.

We can talk to close friends about the issue at hand, however, there will be times when the hurt is so deep that no matter how many words we use, the hurt won’t be conveyed…and we might feel depressingly alone, buried alive under all the pain. Then what should we do? Be silent. Don’t ramble at people, because they might get the wrong idea, and we may say something that we will regret.

Notice that I said, “be silent” and not “bottle it up”…there’s a crucial difference in the two phrases. If we bottle up an emotion, it will manifest itself in the worst possible way…we will explode. It is like putting baking powder and vinegar into a soda bottle, then screwing on the cap…(spoiler alert) it explodes. You need to find a way of expressing yourself, not a distraction. Do something that brings you joy and peace. For example, if there is something bothering me, I will go for a walk or get into my car and just drive…maybe I’ll even take a close friend with me. However, it is important to realize that sometimes we do need time to think about the hurt or disappointment that we feel, we need to spend some time in solitude…and pray.

There’s that evil four-letter word! But the funny thing about prayer (as I’ve mentioned in previous posts) is that words are optional. Sit in quiet, and take that hurt to your Father. Then, feel your Father come to you and hold you. Pour the contents of your heart out in front of Him. Yes, it is okay to cry…especially while you rest in the arms of the one who gave you the ability to cry! But it is important to be silent. Sometimes we need to hear words of comfort, but how will we hear them if we are not listening?

Have the courage to express yourself in a word-less manner. Have the courage to be alone with God. Have the courage to be silent. Only then will you begin to heal.

Merry Christmas!

I am what you would call a “Christmas Freak”. Usually, I get into the Christmas Spirit around late October and don’t come off the “Christmas High” until late January…is that okay? Heck yes! In fact, I encourage it…let me tell you why.

The Incarnation of Christ is one of the central mysteries of our faith as Catholics. God took on human frailty so that we might leave our frailty behind and strive to be more like our creator. The Un-comprehensible Being became a creature, just like you and me, in an act of amazing love…how awesome is that?! That is not a mystery that should be locked into a short 12-day period of celebration for the individual believer. Sure, liturgically speaking, we have other awesome things to celebrate so we set aside that 12-day period strictly for the celebration of the Incarnation. But we, as individual Catholics, should not loose the spirit of love, fellowship, and warmth when we pack up the Christmas tree.

Christmas, of course, has fallen victim to the secular world, as most Christian holidays have. It has become more about the presents under the tree, rather than the presence of Christ, real and living, in this world of ours. How do we reverse this trend? Well, as I said earlier, packing up the spirit of Christmas with the tree, is not helping the situation. We, ourselves, need to learn what Christmas is all about. If we know what Christmas is all about, it is almost impossible not to be overjoyed. God loves us all so much that he comes to dwell with us. But if we shove Christ out the door after the Christmas movies come to an end, are we really immersed in the Christian experience that Christmas is?

Am I telling you to leave your Christmas décor up throughout the year? No. Personally, I would get sick of those flashing lights on the tree after awhile. But perhaps leave a nativity scene displayed somewhere in your house to remind you of the awesome gift that the Incarnation is, and to remind yourself daily that Christ’s presence in your life. If you feel like you are loosing that spirit which has come to be associated with the season of Christmas, take a few minutes and meditate on the mystery of the Incarnation. Perhaps you will even gain some sort of new insight into the mystery of the Incarnation and, maybe, you will even fall deeper in love with your Catholic faith.

This idea should be applied to EVERY Christian holiday. Some of you are probably scratching your head and asking “Why?” Well, the answer is simple, Catholicism is a joy-filled religion. We have many feasts and mysteries to celebrate throughout the year, but if we allow our celebration to cease, there is no reason for Catholicism to be filled with joy. Perhaps you don’t outwardly celebrate 365 days a year, but every day (yes, every day) we should set some time aside to sit and be thankful for the many mysteries of our faith. If we do this, more and more people will be drawn to us, because, in doing so, we would become joy-filled people who seek to serve God in every way possible, out of thanksgiving for all He has done for us.

Come and Journey with Me

“Come and journey with me”

That is God’s simple and humble invitation to each and every one of us…lately it’s been a phrase I have been taking to prayer…

Vocation. The English form of the word comes from the Latin word Voco, Vocare, meaning, “to call”. According to Merriam-Webster it is “a summons or strong inclination to a particular state or course of action; especially : a divine call to the religious life.” But it is important to remember that we all have a vocation, not just priests and religious…we often forget that marriage and celibate single life are also vocations.

Whatever your vocation in life may be, it is important to remember these three things:

1. Pray and discern, even if you are contemplating a vocation to Holy Matrimony. Answering the call God has given to you is counter-cultural, we need that source of strength which only prayer can give us. God is your Father, God is your Brother, God is your Strength and Inspiration…why wouldn't you spend some time with the awesome gift that God is?! We know that there will be people out there that view us differently for answering our call…but God will only love us all the more. Perhaps we can get discouraged and down because of the way some people view us, or because the road is beginning to get rocky…go to God in prayer and allow Him to hold you. You don’t need to say anything…just sit, know that He is God, and allow the hands that formed the universe to hold you.
2. Do not be afraid. Christ loved us so much that he was willing to go to the cross. Do we love Christ enough that, if our journey leads to the cross, we will push on? Do not be afraid…God is saying, “Come and journey with me” not “Go ahead and go on that journey”…God longs to be with you, let Him lead you and you will never be alone. He loves you so much that he quite literally holds out His hand to us and patiently waits for us to take hold of it, so that the journey can begin. And if your journey does lead to the cross, He is right there beside you, loving you with a love that we cannot even begin to understand.
3. I am no saint, I don’t pretend to be one, if I come off that way I am so sorry…I am a sinner and I will ask for God’s mercy and forgiveness all the days of my life. I fall, but those hands that held the leper, broke the bread, and were pierced by the nails of the cross, are held out to me…waiting to help me back to my feet. Then, joined hand-in-hand, we continue on the journey…together. God never abandons us…we abandon Him. Perhaps we can’t feel God’s presence…that does not mean He isn't there with you. Do not be discouraged…know that God loves you, and if you fall, the journey is not over, He is waiting to help you back to your feet.

Whatever your vocation is, it will lead you to holiness. It is not by pretending to be extraordinary that we become holy, but it is by becoming ordinary that we become extraordinary and holy. The lives which God is calling us to may seem ordinary, but the very fact that God has called you to that way of life, is what makes it extraordinary and by following that way of life, we can grow in our relationship with God, which, in turn, will make us holier men and women.

Christ is inviting you to journey with him…the course is set, the thongs of your sandals are tied, your walking-stick is in hand…will you take that first step?

Accepting Jesus

We, as Catholics, can sometimes catch ourselves slipping our voices into a deep Southern accent, and asking one another "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior?!" as a way to poke fun at people of other denominations. There's two issues with this:

1) It is NOT acceptable behavior for Catholics to poke fun of people of other faiths or denominations. We are called to love and to bring people back home to Christ. If we are sitting around making fun of the people we are called to evangelize, do you really think those people are going to WANT to come to Christ with us? The answer is simply, no. They will be drawn to a loving and welcoming community, not one that hates and disassociates itself from its other brothers and sisters in Christ.

2) As much as we Catholics don't want to admit it...those people have a very important point.

Allow me to expand on that second idea. We can learn more and more about the faith, read the Catechism, go to daily Mass, be active in our parish communities, even go so far as to enter seminary...but if we do all this without accepting Christ into our hearts, I tell you, it has no meaning.

Unfortunately, we see this a lot within the Church today. People will attend Mass, participate in their parish activities, buy the raffle tickets, drop a twenty-dollar bill in the collection basket, and say these pre-printed prayers...but none of this means ANYTHING if it is not coming from the heart. I know, personally, that I had this problem. I would kneel at adoration, genuflect toward the tabernacle, bow toward the altar, and serve Mass for two reasons: 1) I knew that was my duty and 2) to be seen. I wanted to be seen doing these things...it wasn't about Christ. In my heart, it was about me. That "piety" which people complemented me on...really wasn't there...I looked pious so that people would notice how "holy" and "Catholic" I was...but I was far from it. I would "pray" which means I would say these words, which I was reading off of a card, into an aimless abyss...no one would hear my "prayer" because I wasn't speaking from my heart...I was reading to myself, not to God. I had no prayer life, because I didn't know how to pray. Prayer took place in my mind...not my heart.

What caused this mess? I'll tell you, it is so simple that I am shocked many more people have not noticed, the problem is that we as Catholics have a tendency to over-intellectualize the faith. Not that intellectualization is bad...but if you only concentrate on the intellectual aspect of the faith, you are focusing on your mind and forgetting about the heart! Christ is trapped in our minds as this wonderfully beautiful idea, but it is when we allow Christ into our hearts that he becomes an even more beautiful reality.

Though I didn't know how to do it, I set out to "accept" Jesus into my heart. I sat down in front of my laptop, went to Google, typed in "Accepting Jesus..."— then I realized that I had turned right back to the activity I was trying to get away from...I was trying to intellectualize the situation. So, I closed my laptop, jumped into my car, drove to a Perpetual Adoration Chapel, and sat down in one of the seats for a little while. Then...I cleared my mind (probably the hardest thing I have ever done), knelt down, and stared at Jesus, who was made present by the Holy Eucharist, and uttered two simple words "Help me." Though I was Catholic because of my baptism and Confirmation, I became a practicing, praying, and God-fearing Catholic that day.

I would now like to pose a question to you...Christ is standing at the door of your heart and knocking, when will you let Him in?

Giving and not Counting the Cost

Priest (or deacon): Since it is your intention to enter into marriage, join your right hands, and declare your consent before God and his Church.

Groom: I, (name), take you, (name), to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.

Bride: I, (name), take you, (name), to be my husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.

Priest (or deacon): You have declared your consent before the Church. May the Lord in his goodness strnghen your consent and fill you both with his blessings. What God has joined, men must not divide.

Congregation: Amen.

Groom (placing the wedding ring on his wife's ring finger): (Name), take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

Bride (placing the wedding ring on her husband's ring finger): (Name), take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

-Rite of Marriage

With these words, a man and a woman commit themselves together, for life, in the sacrament of Holy Matrimony. A bond that is formed out of love for one another and a bond that is unbreakable in the eyes of God. Unfortunately, in the eyes of today’s present society, a couple can “fall out of love”, obstacles may arise that neither party was ready for, or many other unexpected things. And when everything starts to fall apart, it’s acceptable to give up, get a lawyer, and pretend nothing ever happened. But this isn’t Marriage. Marriage is for life. Marriage is for the “good times and in bad”, and for keeps.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics (a branch of Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), the divorce rate in the United States alone was 53% in 2010. This statistic should cause a cold chill to run down the spines of all Americans. 53% of American marriages end in divorce. (CDC)  Something has to be done. Most of these good-willed people have entered into this bond (some sacramentally) out of love for one another, what is driving them apart? Whatever it may be, the couple needs to back up, re-examine the vows they took, find in those words the love that they had for one another, and re-commit themselves to the love they shared when they entered into this unbreakable bond. This is the simple, yet complex, remedy for the situation we face.
Imagine a couple, newly wed, moving into their home for the very first time…their wedding night. Mister and Missus are filled with the new excitement, knowing they can finally live together in complete love. They have a very romantic evening planned and will be leaving for the honeymoon in a couple of days. Is this not one of the most beautiful sights the world has to offer? Committed to God, committed to the community, and committed to one another this man and woman begin their life together. But the honeymoon ends and soon the once sparkling idea begins to tarnish. What happened? This question has a very simple answer; life happened.
Examine the poem Those Winter Sundays, by Robert Hayden. The story goes something like this; a father wakes up before dawn to a cold house, wrestles with his clothes, and stirs up the fire so that his kids can have a warm house to wake up to. Soon the son wakes up…slowly, taking pauses at every available opportunity. He goes into the main room and finds his good shoes polished and shined. (Hayden) The father in the story has it pretty rough, there seems to be tension in the house, he works all day, and it seems the son is ungrateful. But he keeps going, but why? The father keeps going out of love; he realizes that no matter how hard life can get for him, he wants his kids to have the very best in life, so he does his very best to give them what he can.
Perhaps the best summary of love gone un-noticed is this section from Barbara Kingsolver’s Stone Soup:

I started out like any child, intent on being the Family of Dolls. I set upon young womanhood believing in most of the doctrines of my generation: I wore my skirts four inches above the knee. I had that Barbie with her zebra-striped swimsuit and a figure unlike anything found in nature. And I understood the Prince Charming Theory of Marriage, a quest for Mr. Right that ends smack dab where you find him. I did not completely understand that another whole story begins there, and no fairy tale prepared me for the combination of bad luck and persistent hope that would interrupt my dream and lead me to other arrangements.
Like a cancer diagnosis, a dying marriage is a thing to fight, to deny, and finally, when there's no choice left, to dig in and survive. Casseroles would help. Likewise, I imagine it must be a painful reckoning in adolescence (or later on) to realize true love will never look like the soft-focus fragrance ads because Prince Charming (surprise!) is a princess. Or vice versa. Or has skin the color your parents didn't want you messing with, except in the Crayola box.
It's awfully easy to hold in contempt the straw broken home, and that mythical category of persons who toss away nuclear family for the sheer fun of it. Even the legal terms we use have a suggestion of caprice. I resent the phrase "irreconcilable differences," which suggests a stubborn refusal to accept a spouse's little quirks. This is specious. Every happily married couple I know has loads of irreconcilable differences. Negotiating where to set the thermostat is not the point. A nonfunctioning marriage is a slow asphyxiation. It is waking up despised each morning, listening to the pulse of your own loneliness before the radio begins to blare its raucous gospel that you're nothing if you aren't loved. It is sharing your airless house with the threat of suicide or other kinds of violence, while the ghost that whispers, "Leave here and destroy your children," has passed over every door and nailed it shut. Disassembling a marriage in these circumstances is as much fun as amputating your own gangrenous leg. You do it, if you can, to save a life--or two, or more. (Kingsolver)

If life could get any sadder than what is described in these three paragraphs, it must not be livable. Waking up every morning alone, hated, or feeling worthless is probably the worst feeling in the world. One could compare this to the night and morning after a bad break up, one that the hurt is so deep that you literally spend every second you have by yourself mourning the lost possibilities, lost love, and seems worse than a lost life. But if we apply this to a marriage sort of relationship the cause of the feelings of loneliness and worthlessness would have to come from some sort of fight or neglect. Is a married couple really going to let that stand in the way of their love that they have for each other? Kingsolver says, “Disassembling a marriage in these circumstances is as much fun as amputating your own gangrenous leg. You do it if you can, to save a life—or two, or more.” Is it really saving a life though? Are we, as a society, really going to discount love that quickly? Unfortunately we are, but it needs to stop. If a couple wants to quit a marriage because of a stupid fight, a bunch of shouted words that go back and forth, forget any awesome memories, kids, self-fulfillment for both partners…then it would be better if the couple had not entered into this deep of a commitment.
The main reason all of this happens is the closed communication between couples. If couples were completely open with each other from the get-go, it would not be impossible for the national divorce rate to come down. Most fights would cease, not all, but most. But we, as a society need to step back and examine our priorities when it comes to relationships. If someone enters into a relationship with another human being, only seeking to gain personal pleasure or wealth, they need to get out of that relationship. That person is using their significant other. They are, in a sense, treating the other person like an object…an object that is meant to serve them and bow to their every will. That is not what a relationship is, and in the larger scope of things, it is not what marriage is. The perfect analogy would be the whole idea of Making Love, the marital act that continues to call a couple back to the first time they were together in that capacity, the act that reminds them of the love they share for one another. In today’s society, we see Making Love as involving two people…but it involves three. First the Man, who seeks the good of his wife, seeking to fulfill her the best he can. The second player is the Wife, who seeks the good of her husband, seeking to fulfill him the best she can. The third, and often forgotten player in this truly divine act, is God. Yes the man and woman fulfill each other, but society can sometimes forget that we, as humans, are supposed to serve and glorify God in every way we can. Is there a more perfect time to praise the Lord, than when a man and his wife become one flesh? No, because in that instance we take part in something of which it’s incredible beauty is not of this world.
Love in a sense is an emotion, one of the most powerful God has given us. But Love is a person, God. A marriage must be founded on God, because He is the fullest Love imaginable. Love and praise God through your spouse, be led by the spirit to your partner’s arms, and when you arrive there, thank God for His loving embrace embodied at this moment by the arms of your lover.

The Reality of the Sexes

Throughout the ages men and women have engaged in different roles in the workplace, church, and home. But has anyone truly stopped to think about the roles of both men and women at play in the intimacy of a relationship? Are women being oppressed by their male counterpart? Or is there a possibility that society has turned a pitiful eye toward women and made them the victim of these powerful, lustful, ungrateful men?
Traditionally, a relationship has two roles, one role is submissive and the other is dominant.  But what role does each partner take? And what roles would foster a loving and lasting relationship between man and woman? As it stands now in the current culture, women have the most power in more serious relationships. However, it should be a balanced power system shared between man and woman.
According to the essay Independent Women (and Other Lies) by Katie Roiphe, a woman looks for a man who will take care of her. The traditional man who, with his big strong arms, will protect her from the outside world. This man will be hard as steel on the outside, but will treat her with the utmost respect, dignity, and sweetness. (Roiphe) Coming from the world that tells her that women are supposed to remain female in sex, but masculine in gender, she sees the flaws within this line of thinking. No matter how she sliced it, she could not shake the inner most need for protection. The question that is posed by the essay amounts to, “Is this woman being submissive, even to the point of losing her identity?” Upon reflection, one may discover that the weakness presented in the essay is not necessarily weakness at all, in fact, it is a unique source of power women have. They notice that they are in need, just as the men are, so a woman would use this need and pair it with the man’s needs (which are very similar) and they complete each other.
Return to this idea of being “masculine in gender and female in sex”. A woman may be a female by her sex (the physical aspects of her body) but she may be masculine in gender (the way she positions herself in the culture). So a girl who enjoys hunting, over-competitiveness, and other things generally associated with men, would be labeled as a masculine female. It could also work the other way around. Men can sometimes get caught up in clothes shopping, getting manicures, and other feminine activities, and he would be labeled a feminine male.
Returning, now, to the relationship previously discussed, one partner is supposed to complete the other. Why is it that one is considered submissive? It does not have to be that way. A recent study done by the Pew Research Center, men and women seem to be working side-by-side when it comes to decision making within a relationship. However, there are some people who prefer to be dominant, or be dominated, and most times the ones who dominate are women. The researchers asked four different questions: 1) Who decides what you do together on the weekend? 2) Who makes decisions on big purchases for the home? 3) Who most often decides what to watch on television? 4) Who manages the household finances?
The results of the first questions came back as 16% of the couples said men make the weekend plans but 28% of them said its decided by women. The second question seemed to yield nearly the same results, 19% of the couples said men decided the big purchases, but 30% of couples said the women did the big shopping. Third question (probably the most argued in today’s society), what to watch on television was decided by men in 26% of the couples and by women in 27% of the couples. Finally the fourth question, 41% of the men deal with the finances and 26% of the women, quite a noticeable difference. (Pew Social Demographic Trends RSS) If the study ended there, it would be a very depressing reality that many of our current couples are dominated by one party.
However that is not where it stops. The researchers also asked the couples if they worked together to make those decisions. In question one, 46% of couples made plans together. Question two pertaining to the big purchases, 46% of couples worked together. Question three and four, however, stayed around the 27% mark. Why is that? It’s because these people realize that a healthy relationship is based upon mutual communication. (Pew Social Demographic Trends RSS)
Deborah Tannen, author of Sex, Lies, and Conversation, suggests that communication is different between men and women, but it is incredibly important to bridge that gap for the good of the relationship. (Tannen) If a man and a woman attempt to go through a relationship, each only seeking their own ends, it would be better if the bond between them never existed. Instead, each party in the relationship must reach out to the other and remember that it is their relationship too. The bond is effecting their life as well.
However, couples often set up false identities for one another. Perhaps the best possible example of this idea is the story An Ounce of Cure which tells the story of a young girl who chases after a typical high school fantasy. But like all relationships based on fantasies, it falls through. Like most high school break ups, it is over exaggerated and she attempts to kill herself (while babysitting a couple’s kids). Yet, her friends come to the rescue and basically save her life. The friends arrive to find the girl completely drunk out of her mind and barely conscious. But they nurse her back to heath and, what a surprise, her life goes on. The boy however, who turned out to be a band geek, rather than truly Wil, grows up and becomes a Funeral Director. (Munro)
When a couple starts out based solely on physical attraction and fantasies the relationship may seem romantic and a dream come true for both parties. But that is just it; it is a dream. Neither party in the relationship will be able to bond, and soon it will fall apart. There has to be a deeper intimacy than that of bodies, it has to be an intimacy of the soul. Then the couple can then address what color they want the kitchen painted.
For most people, the Bible stands as a judge over beliefs and moral mindsets. So what does the Bible say about relationships? Let’s examine the Letter to the Ephesians:

Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of his wife just as Christ is head of the church, he himself the savior of the body. As the church is subordinate to Christ, so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. So [also] husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church,30because we are members of his body.
“For this reason a man shall leave [his] father and [his] mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”  (Eph 5:21-31)

This passage is one of the more controversial passages in the New Testament letters, but it clearly defines a relationship. A woman should be submissive to her husband. However, it goes on to say that Husbands must love their wives and treat them as equals. So perhaps it is not that one party is supposed to be dominant and the other submissive, rather it is humility that creates equality within a relationship. A woman must be submissive, and the man is not to take advantage of that; a man must love, and the woman must not take advantage of that. However, they will hold each other to a certain standard in love and humility and continue to walk through this crazy journey of life together in safety. Therefore there is no dominant party, there is no submissive party. A true fruitful relationship is one based on love and humility, desiring only the ultimate good for the other person. No one partner is greater than the other in a relationship. The two people must learn to cease being separate, dominate, and submissive; they must become one.
Perhaps the role of women is changing, based on the study done by the Pew Research Center women make the majority of the decisions in the home (when it is a one sided relationship). However, there is another important aspect to the Pew Study; if a relationship is based on the principles described in the passage from the Letter to the Ephesians, the majority of the couples responded that they make choices together, as one. Maybe this kind of maturity comes with age, but at some point in life it must kick in. Knowing that a body has only one head, and would be unable to function with two, the two separate people must learn to become one and live each day for the good of the other person.